So, my goal was to publish a post about every month if not more often.
(Cough) I know. I am sooooo good at this.
Part of my problem is that I love writing. Let me say it again: I. Love. To. Write. But I'm a perfectionist (cue laughter from my husband) No, really! I like to be witty and eloquent and frankly, formulating my crazy scattered thoughts into comprehensible ones, let alone witty and eloquent ones, takes a LOT of time.
Y'all, I got diapers to change. I got dishes in the sink and an Everest of laundry that never seems to diminish no matter how many loads a day I do. More importantly than those I have three young children to nurture. Three precious children whose basic physical needs being met, (not to mention emotional, spiritual, and educational!) I am convinced, is as much work as like, twelve full time jobs. Ok, maybe not, but there are days...
Enter procrastination. Ah perfectionism and procrastination, they make quite a pair. At least I can say I'm good at something though, right? I mean, the fact that the THING I am good at is putting things off until until until forever is really beside the point. (See? I'm even a perfectionist when it comes to my procrastinating! You can't make this stuff up folks!)
Plus writing is this process that, for me, besides time also requires silence. Since silence around here means one of two things, A) it's after bed time (when I too am often pooped) or B) a Mess is brewing (believe me, I do let the kids free in the garden from time to time with a hose and some shovels just to get a few minutes to myself -it is soooo worth the bath time later and besides, muddy kids are cute.) Anyway, what was I saying?
Oh yes, the process of untangling my thoughts.
Ahem, so I've decided, based on all that stuff above (See, with the craziness??) that it would be more reasonable to just share with you here the real stuff. You know, the raw and the beautiful, the nitty-gritty and the great. You probably don't want some rose-colored version anyway. You, like me, probably appreciate it when people are... Real. So my resolution is to write down the real stuff, as it happens, and forget about trying to appear perfect.
Perfect Mom,
perfect writer,
or perfect Christian,
'cuz that's just not
real.
That being said, here are some of my real thoughts as we prepare to leave for Kosovo in one month:
"Oh my goodness, I am SO excited! Oh my goodness what are we thinking?? I am stinkin' terrified! Oh man, it's going to be so awesome! Oh man, we. are. crazy."
Yeah, that about sums it up.
It is such a jumble of emotions guys. I really am sooooo excited. I felt called by God at the age of twelve to work in missions and it is wonderful to look back and see the wondrous ways He has orchestrated His plan in my and my family's life. And not once have I doubted that it is His will that we return to Kosovo, in fact we have always known that serving the church there was our calling and we praise God for it! But people, I am also scared. It is a huge responsibility. Am I really grown-up enough for this? I mean really, come on God, are you sure you want me to go there? Don't you have anyone smarter/stronger/braver/better?
Plus we have three precious, precocious, sweet and wonderful little girls. What if it's not safe for them? What if the whole thing's a disaster and we ruin their lives?!
No. Don't worry, I don't really believe that crazy head-talk, but you have doubts, ya' know? And fears.
Lastly, though I love Kosovo and the people there so much, and am so ready and willing and happy to serve and minister to them, I am also going to miss this place so much. I grew up here and it will always be home. I will miss my family terribly. I will miss our friends terribly too.
I will miss the desert.
And the river.
And the parks, and my garden, and the neighborhoods I know so well, and, and, and...
But what was it Jesus said? "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." And later, " -but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God... No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." (from Luke 9:58-62)
I'm listening Lord. We have been so blessed here these past six years. I can't even put it into words. And I DO love this place.
But it is time to go.
When I trust in Him I have no need to look back, for He IS my supplication and I trust that He will take me to an even better place. Literally and spiritually.
So I take a deep breath and I pray. I keep my face turned towards God and the doubts and fears crumble away like an oatmeal cookie in the hands of my one year-old. And I look to His Word and He renews me daily.
-This is where I was going to put a verse, you know, a really good one. But the Bible is pretty much full of those so I thought of one... And then another, and another...Until pretty soon I was about to write: "[Insert whole of canonized Scripture here.]"-
But instead of doing that, I will leave you with this one and you can go read The Rest of The Bible later. It is a verse that we missionaries cling to and it comes from Jeremiah, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13)
So... Let the adventure begin!!
